I’ve
often wondered if it’s wrong to go through IMDb’s Bottom 100 list. With access to several streaming platforms, I
could probably find a few of them. I
have already watched Birdemic: Shock and Terror through the magic of Amazon
Prime. Several other titles are
available for me there. I can watch
plenty more through Netflix, either streaming or on DVD. If I tried hard enough, I could probably find
all of them. The question is whether or
not I should. Do I really want to
subject myself to that many horrible films?
Eh. Why not?
Some,
like Birdemic, are tried and true stinkers.
There are no redeeming qualities.
If some effort was put into the project, it wasn’t to make a movie. Others, like Manos: The Hands of Fate, do
seem to have been an honest attempt to make a film. This isn’t to say it wasn’t a stinker.
The
movie starts with Michael and Margret on vacation. They’re driving through the countryside with
their daughter, Debbie, looking for the Valley Lodge. We see all sorts of nice scenery. They get pulled over for a broken taillight,
but aren’t given a ticket.
Instead
of finding their hotel, they come across a mysterious house. The only occupant is Torgo, a man with a
funny walk. It’s only stated that he
serves as the groundskeeper. We never
find out why he walks that way. Michael
pleads with him to stay the night. Torgo
eventually relents, stating only that Master won’t like it. There’s also a strange painting of Master and
his evil-looking dog.
What
follows is an hour of bizarre events.
Mostly, it’s Michael and Margret arguing over whether or not they should
stay, but there doesn’t seem to be any way out.
They can’t find their way back nor can they make their way onward. Also, Torgo keeps looking in on Margret,
mostly without her knowledge. He’d like
to keep her as his wife, saying that Master has enough wives. He also makes some creepy advances towards
her.
Debbie
escapes only to find the evil dog. They
stumble upon Master and his wives.
Master
and the wives eventually wake up. They
chew out Torgo for letting the family stay and slap him around as
punishment. The Maser decides that
Margret and Debbie will become his new wives while Michael must be killed. While The Master goes out to deal with
Michael, the wives debate as to whether or not Debbie should be a wife. They can’t kill her, but she’s just a small
child. She has no business being
anyone’s wife. This eventually leads to
the wives pushing each other around and whatnot.
Michael,
Margret and Debbie run, but realize they can’t escape. They go back to the house, thinking no one
would look there, only to find The Master waiting for them. We then cut to two women driving in the same
area. They happen upon the same house
only to find that Michael is the new groundskeeper. Margret and Debbie have become The Master’s
new wives.
So,
there’s very little about the movie that makes sense. How, exactly, did the family come across the
house? The Master doesn’t seem to like
visitors and the family very much wanted to be somewhere else, so there was no
reason not to help them leave. If it was
that big of a deal, you would think that Torgo would be sure to know the local
roads. This would at least facilitate
unwelcome guests leaving as quickly as possible.
From
what I’ve read, the camera used could only shoot 32 seconds of film at a time,
which would explain some of the limited shots.
Still, filmmakers have been able to work wonders with little or no
resources. This shouldn’t be a limiting
factor.
There
was always that one kid in class that could always hit it out of the park. Maybe they’d write amazing stories or be able
to draw really well. Yes, I know it
takes practice, but this film is full of things that make you wonder, like
blurry shots that never should have made the final cut.
Some
movies are made by incompetent people with lots of money. Others are made by competent people with
limited funds. This movie comes across
as very amateurish. The dialogue is very
basic. The music is like something you’d
find out of the dollar store. It’s like
something you and your friends might put together one weekend if you borrowed a
movie camera from a friend’s parents.
It
comes across as a half-baked idea. The
basic premise isn’t that bad. Getting
lost like that could make for a good horror movie. But the move isn’t a good horror movie. It just goes nowhere. There’s even a kissing couple that seems to be
used as filler. I’m not even sure why it
was included, as the movie would have been just as good without it. And to think, this movie spawned two
sequels. At least I have a remake to
look forward to.
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